A Salute to Greasemonkeys

I believe that I am currently being visited by the Karma faries. For my mild rant of disgust aimed squarely at the commuting masses (of which I am one.) The Deities which I so squarely placed my motoring trust have decided to abandon me. In quite a non-leathal manner, I'm glad to report.

Instead, they saw fit to have my car broken.

This is the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this juncture in my life. Well, apart from something terminal occurring anyway.

However, having something like this happen proved to be a very costly expenditure. I feel that Bambi (my fearless renault megane 1.9dCi, which has notched up a number of wildlife casualties. I was considering getting some stencils made and painting their numbers onto the doors as some sort of badge of honour.) was probably in need of some TLC anyway, being about halfway through her useful life.

I learned 3 very important things through this experience.

1) I know far less about automotive things than I should. However, even I could tell that something was wrong with the fan belt by the horrid shrieks eminating from beneath the bonnet, around the fan belt area, funnily enough.

2) It is critical that within your group of friends, you should have someone who knows a lot more about automotive things than most people. This can save you great deals of money when speaking to mechanics.

3) Always ask to see the parts that were replaced on your car. If they can't provide evidence that things have been changed, don't pay.

So, after discovering the problem (requiring complete replacement of fan belt and belt tensioning pulley, and a separately diagnosed fault of something called a dog bone mounting, which holds the gearbox in check relating to the engine.) and getting some quotes, I was fortunately well prepared to get the painful, yet required work carried out.

£280 later and I feel slightly violated, but relieved to have a working car.

The kicker in all of this. My fiancee blames me entirely because, and I quote: "You should have bought a German car."

It is the uncompromising nature of the statement that reinforces my affection for my little French motor.

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Harry Chinese Kid Looking for Love

We here at Little Man, What Now? would like to wish the hairy Chinese kid all the best in his search for the love of his life:

The world's hairiest man is looking for a new love on the internet after breaking up with his girlfriend.

Yu Zhenhuan, recognised in 2002 as the world's hairiest man by the Guinness Book of Records, is using an online dating agency.

"I was amazed to see his picture there, since I'd been hearing he was going to get married soon. So I called the media," says the person who broke the story, and who wants to remain anonymous.

Yu, 29, confirmed: "We got to know each other through the internet, and had been seeing each other for three years. Unfortunately our relationship has come to an end."

And he added: "My whole body is covered with hair, and my parents are worried I won't be able to find a wife. Many girls are shocked when they see me in person.

"I feel like King Kong, hideous, but with a soft and tender heart," he told Zhejiang Online.

The hairy Chinese kid: looking for love.

It would be presumptuous of me to offer Yu advice in this field, but all I would say is that not all women like the smooth, waxed look. Whilst you may have a tad more hair than, say, Sean Connery in his prime, some women have unique tastes and the internet is undoubtably the place to find them.

The European Secession Problem - How Belgium Broke Brussels.

“We have no quarrel with America. We all know NATO is the strongest military machine in the world. We simply want them to stop being so busy with our country and worry about their own problems.” - Slobodan Milošević

The European Union does not have a centralised press or media. It's such a bizarrely obvious fact about our multi-national entity that the implications of politics without media intrusion is often missed. National level medias continue to lobby the EU about issues of interest to their own societies (from CAP spending to The Euro to African Immigration) but there is no central forum for discussion, meaning that a lot of the spit and bile of day to day politics (there will never be an EU Dangerous Dogs Act, and The Catholic Church has yet to make any headway in convincing the EU to care about abortion) does not occur. On the flip side it means the whole entity is somewhat less accountable, and issues that are of pan-EU implications can fall completely by the way side until they hit crisis point (as happened on The Constitution, when the elite completely misunderstood that it was supposed to be representing the people).

Today's case in point is a political beachhead taking place in Belgium, a deadlock that is increasingly looking likely to end in a messy divorce between Belgium's constituent units of Flanders and Wallonia. This issue is so high profile its managed to obtain one middle-page article in The Guardian, one in The Observer and nothing on BBC News Online, not quite what you'd expect of the first precedent of secession within the EU. Because even the roughest investigation will show that secession is the one European issue most likely to end up in an almighty mess, with blood and teeth mixed with the broken beer-bottles and Zyklon B.

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Firstly, lets step back and look at the European continent as a whole. A quick glance at a map will demonstrate that Europe has more countries per unit area than any comparable landmass in the world. In total area it's roughly the size of China, but an unusually fractious history has led Europe to be divided into 48 nation states, with 7 language families. Within these nation states it is the norm for them to be formed of an assemblage of countries and regions with varying degree of autonomy and histories of independence - from Transdnieta in Moldova to Catalonia in Spain, Europeans dislike their neighbours. Above this now stands the European Union, an unprecedented assemblage of nation states which follows many of the functions of government.

Secession is a messy business, because it revolves around visceral identity issues on the one hand, and the hard hand of real politik and economics on the other. So that in Europe we've seen long drawn out wars of secession such as those in Northern Ireland, Basque Region and Corsica, velvet divorce as happened in Czechoslovakia (still messy, since only 40% of Slovaks ever favoured divorce, even after their government declared independence), to the incomparable train-wreck that started in Yugoslavia. The division of infrastructure and resources, placement of population, and the mess of politics cause countless pragmatic problems, and when secession starts rolling the implications are difficult to predict. On this basis alone, the EU should be paying close attention to what is going on under its metaphorical nose, but certainly when the events are in part its responsibility.

Increasingly The EU has taken on the main functions of central government that regions require in order to go about their business. With the case of modern Ireland as an example: if the EU is going to bootstrap your country's infrastructure, guarantee your currency and offer you defensive security, do you really need centralised administration in Paris/London/Berlin/Rome? All of the collective measures that were previously the main reason for states to join together as unions, are weakened by the generalised existence of the EU. The problem being shown in Belgium and to a lesser extent Scotland (where the SNP now form a minority government, and are unlikely to be toppled by the Westminster holding Labour Party before they somehow wrangle a referendum on independence) is that once this issue meets the ballot box, it becomes incredibly difficult to resolve.

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Map of Belgium: Flanders is in pale grey, Wallonia dark.

Belgium, composed of Flemish speaking Flanders and French speaking Wallonia has always been subject to accusations of being a made-up nation (but then this is not unusual). Flanders is financially more wealthy and demographically more numerous, Wallonia is historically more upper-class but has fallen on harder times for the last half century. With the linguistic divide in place the constitution was erected to require a coalition between both regions interests. Never an easy solution, and it has fallen apart dramatically for the last 100 days, after an Election handed a majority to the Flanders based Christian Democrat Nationalist (CD&V) party. The CD&V refuse to form a coalition with the pro-union, French-speaking MR party unless they agree to a referendum on the secession question. Any further elections are likely to lead to a greater majority for Flemish nationalists, so at present the country sits without a government. Each day that passes throws the divisions into sharper relief. The only big brake on divorce is the question of what to do with Brussels - this is a French speaking city, pivotally important to EU politics and the Belgian economy, and sits firmly in Flanders's territory. Neither side can afford to give it up.

If Flanders eventually secedes, The EU will be in the bizarre position of having its capital in a country that is potentially no longer part of The Union. But more than the pragmatic questions of what the EU does about Belgium, the way The Union chooses to deal with secession will have implications for the stability of every other EU country with a nationalist region. This precedent is sure to be watched with interest by Catalonia and Scotland. The questions that need to be answered are numerous: will the seceding country be able to remain within The EU? If not will the seceding country be allowed to accede back into the Union and on what terms? If not, will seceding countries be able to rapidly obtain favourable trading agreements such as currently exist with Norway, Switzerland and Iceland (members of the European Economic Area) or will they be treated as pariahs like the Balkan nations? These issues are pivotal, and were a focus of much debate in the recent Scottish Parliament Elections that led to a minority government by an explicitly nationalist party. So far the EU has carefully avoided giving the Scots any answers (Westminster would not approve) bar a few hints, but this will become impossible after the first precedent. It is not out of the question to say that events in Brussels are going to dictate whether The United Kingdom will exist in 20 years.

To make some guesses about these questions, I think the secessionists are being wildly optimistic about their treatment by the EU. The assumption must be that the EU will treat the rump of the country as a member, and that the seceding entity will have to apply for membership. Since the rump country will have a veto on this decision, their ability to rejoin the Union will be entirely at the mercy of the country they have divorced. Already Greece has threatened to veto Macedonian membership of the EU because they disapprove of their name, is it likely that Madrid will tolerate Catalonia joining the EU (or even Flanders, with the implications this has for Catalan politics)? Further, it cannot be in the EU's interest to become an entity with an ever increasing number of veto-wielding members - this makes the entire unit harder to manage. Thus, much like France or Britain themselves, the EU is likely to be instinctively antagonistic towards seceding regions. The only alternative would be to become a more federal system with less use of the veto, since countries would become less able to protect their own interests alone. If Flanders and Wallonia undergo the messy divorce that is looking increasingly inevitable, the EU will have to engage in these discussions while working out what to do about its own relationship with Brussels.

To my mind, the current events in Belgium (or, if they avoid this divorce, Scotland) are likely to dictate whether the EU evolves into a more centralised union of 50+ micro-states, or continues to compose a union of large, veto wielding nations who are international players on their own terms. It is almost inevitable that with the EU guaranteeing the standard of living within The Union, that The Union will have to resolve what to do about seceding units that wish to retain its protection. And of course, if this country-splintering occurs, what will happen if the (arguably unstable) whole house of cards begins to collapse?

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Please mr BBC, can you please tell us what's going on in Belgium?

Hairy Chinese Kid's Olympic Dream

One of the world's hairiest men, who nicknames himself "King Kong", has launched a campaign to carry the Olympic torch during the relay ahead of next year's Beijing Games.

"The Olympics belong to everyone - the common people and those with abnormalities included," Yu Zhenhuan said.

Karl Pilkington would be proud.

European Belief In God and Yawning Dogs.

[Map of Europe showing percentage of population who believe in God.]
[Click to enlarge, image from Wikipedia]

Note how the “testicle” of Finland is considerably more religious than the “penis” of Sweden.

In other news “Dogs yawn to stay calm in certain situations”. This is according to dog expert Turid Rugaas of Norway. On average she is 10% more likely to believe in God than a Swede but 10% less likely than a Finn, so I think we can probably trust her about this.

93 Million Wangs and Two Fighting Chungs

“There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you 'til I die”
- Nine Million Bicycles by easy-listening warbler Katie Melua

Ms. Melua's song would have been much better if she'd known this bit of trivia:

“Current Chinese law states that children are only allowed take the surname from either their mother or father, but the lack of variety means there are now 93 million people in China with the family name ‘Wang’.
…
Under a new draft regulation released by the ministry of public security, parents will be able to combine their surnames for their children, a move that could open up 1.28 million new possibilities, the China Daily reported.”

Meanwhile, in Washington DC, a family with the comparably uncommon Chinese surname “Chung” are defending themselves in court against a man with the wrong trousers:

“A judge had to leave the courtroom with tears running down his face Tuesday after recalling the lost pair of trousers that led to his $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner.
…
[Administrative law judge Roy L. Pearson] alleges that Jin Chung, Soo Chung and Ki Chung, owners of the mom-and-pop business, committed fraud and misled consumers with signs that claimed 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' and 'Same Day Service.'
…
Pearson also called himself as a witness, saying his problems began in May 2005 when he brought in several suits for alterations. A pair of pants from a blue and maroon suit was missing when he requested it two days later. He said Soo Chung tried to give him a pair of charcoal gray pants.

As Pearson explained that those weren't the pants for the suit, he choked up and left the courtroom crying…”

Roy Pearson: What a wang you are!

A Display of Cause and Unity

London's Finest lead a stylishly coloured demonstration along Piccadilly

Charles Pooter and I were walking down Piccadilly this Sunday when we came upon the above scene. This was the orange-turbaned leading edge of a Sikh demonstration, a demo whose placards and leaflets brought attention to the 4 days of anti-Sikh rioting (the word massacre is often used) that occurred in October 1984 after the assassination of Indira Gandhi at the hands of her Sikh bodyguards, and to the related Free Khalistan movement. We estimated the demonstration to number between 2000 and 4000 people.

I've written previously about separatism in Northern India, focusing on the politics of the region of Ladakh and its relation to the Sino-Indian war and the Kashmir conflict, but it's an illustration of the ethnic problems of that enormous country that Punjab, a state bordering Kashmir, has a third entirely separate ethnic divide.

Partition was particularly traumatic for India's Sikhs, because their main religious sites and largest communities were in the Punjab, a state that was split by the new border. So, while witnessing the loss of life on both sides, they were subjected to their community being severed between the new secular (but richly Hindu) and Muslim societies. Khalistan is their proposed Sikh – but secular – state encompassing parts of both countries.

The demonstration was impressive for its size and passion, Anti-War demonstrations have passed Piccadilly with less zeal, and the presence of religious weapons and formal turbans made the protesters particularly imposing. It is a pity that in fifteen minutes of searching, no web pages discussing this demonstration could be found to support this article.

Politics is nothing without publicity.

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Photos are copyleft Charles Pooter, 2007. Click them to enlarge.

Mayonnaise: The White Man's Poison

In the otherwise undistinguished 2002 comedy Undercover Brother, a heroic member of the black freedom fighters known as the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. goes undercover, disguised as a white guy, to fight against the evil machination of "The Man". Before commencing his mission, a smart comrade tells him "If you're going to fit in to white America, you're gonna have to learn to like mayonnaise!" It becomes a running joke of the film that white people like to smother their food, and any possibility of flavour, in the white, creamy goo. The only antidote for a brother faced with the evil substance is a good dose of hot sauce. In this respect the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. were right: mayonnaise is truly the white man's poison.

A decade ago, when I made some youthful trips to the continent, I looked upon the Belgians and Dutch with a mixture of disgust and fascination as they smothered their chips in mayonnaise. When a waiter in an Amsterdam fast-food restaurant was about to squirt mayo all over my French-fries, I let him know in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable. "Stop man, can you not see that I am English!" Although I found all this upsetting, I was comforted by the knowledge that back on the sceptered isle, mayonnaise was only a fringe pursuit beloved by a few harmless eccentrics. I could safely look upon it as a European quirk, similar to the Albanian love of Norman Wisdom or Germany's passion for hardcore scat porn.

But now, ten year later, the UK is awash with the creamy, eggy filth. Attempting to buy a sandwich after a meeting on the Strand last week, it was next to impossible to find a baguette, roll or wrap that didn't feature mayo or a mayo hybrid. A mayo hybrid? I'm talking about such perversions as djionnaise, mustard-mayo and the like. Finally, I saw a solitary hoisin duck wrap. Surely I must be on safe ground here, I thought. I scanned the ingredients: duck, cucumber, spring onion, hoisin sauce—so far so good—but then, hang on, what's this? MAYONNAISE! An involuntary bellow of anguish escaped my lips and I left Pret a Manger hungry, bemused and slightly ashamed (due to the bellowing).

Other writers on this blog will attest to my visceral hatred of this substance. They have endured me sending back dishes in wannabe gastro-pubs after I have surreptitiously lifted the top half of my ciabatta. I peer underneath to find the unadvertised and unwanted white, viscous slime sitting atop the burger, amongst the rocket and red onion.

"But, it wasn't mentioned on the menu!" I whinge. "I'm sending it back."

"Can't you just scrape it off with your knife?" they implore me, not wanting a scene.

"No!" I shout petulantly. "I paid seven pounds for this 100% Angus beef burger in ciabatta with mixed-leaf garnish, and I will not eat one atom of that creamy muck!"

What my eating companion fails to realise is that the cook's saliva, which will inevitably replace the mayonnaise when my food returns from the kitchen, will be entirely preferable.

As Tony Blair leaves office, I implore my fellow countrymen to halt the decline in standards that has accompanied his premiership. Englishmen: SAY "NO" to MAYO!

Mayonnaise: beloved of Belgians and perverts.

Scotch Elections Live Blogging

Blogger "FlyingRodent" (who is a Scotchman) has the best coverage of the Scotch elections so far.