100 Metre Coughing Fit

As Peking's smog problems show no sign of abating, perhaps the Olympic committee would like to consider these alternative events:

• 100 Meter Coughing Fit
• Flem Spitting
• Three Day Convulsing
• The Blind Javelin Throw
• 200 Metres Hurdles (with gas masks)
• The Short Jump (off a high cliff)

Something positive might come out of this anyway: if all the competitors take part, despite the smog, there may be many more entrants for the next Para-Olympics.

Alternatively, the world could abandon this farcical waste of time and money right now: